Watching someone else use your body isn’t nearly as easy to adjust to as they make it sound. You’re watching your body move without conscious command controlling it. You can’t stop yourself from twirling the pencil, reaching for that last chocolate bar, settling down on the couch instead of doing homework. You feel like you should be able to move how you want to, but you can’t. You struggle to control yourself, but you can’t. You can’t stop yourself from yelling at a friend, telling someone you barely know about your childhood, drawing pictures of scenes that make you want to throw up. You gain skills that you’ll never be able to replicate on your own, and you feel like a fake for that. Your voice comes out as if you’re a child, and you feel like everyone around you must think that you’re mentally disabled. You’re crying and hiding under a table and you don’t even know why.
If-I-Were-To-Tell-The-Truth, “The Darker Side of DID” (via queendopamine)